Articles from Inquisitor Research Journal
by Snaketooth
Summary: For your news of the latest developments in all three major ordos, and all minor ordos, look no further! Articles on heresy, daemons, xenos, gossip, and just how to best pretend to the masses tyranids aren't about to destroy the Imperium!
1. Notes on Minor Cults

**Writings of Inquisitor Adryllis Invidius. For inquisition eyes only.**

Notes on heretical cults: So extensive research and field experience, I have discovered that not all heretics worship either the dark powers, or many of the xenos that set themselves up as gods. Some are a little smaller and odder. If you come across these, check these notes for what to do:

Church of the Boiled Gods: Worship meals. They believe that they gain the strength of those they consume, then got lazy and decided that cooked food which is respected gives strength of spirit, so they didn't have to go and kill powerful creature to get their strength. The assistant who pointed out that this is technically how food works has been shot. Shoot anyone who asks for more or better quality food - which conveniently this part of most officers instructions anyway.

The Front Facers: Believe that time flows backwards, not forwards. What practical difference this has I don't know. Constantly late everywhere, and try to make clocks go backwards. Interfering with his holy timekeeping is heresy and must be punished accordingly. And they kept trying to get double holiday by claiming it hadn't happened yet.

The Divine Ascenders: Think low budget Machine Cult. Think that they can ascend to godhood by volunteering to become a servitor. I mean, useful, but just really sad.

The Krondian Heresy: Believe the whole planet of Krondia is a giant organism, which they worship. This is clearly lies and heresy, no matter the fact the planet did grow a huge eye and mouth and ate the invasion fleet. It was a trick played by, let's say, squats.

The True Believers: Don't have any believes - just put on air of mystery, making people want to join in the hope of finding hidden knowledge, leading to a hierarchy where one can slowly advance with promises of power to eventually the three members at the top who wanted to meet up on Tuesdays for recaff and needed someone to babysit and the whole thing got out of hand. On the plus side, it ensures anyone who would otherwise join a chaos cult to do magic learn nothing. So yeah, just leave them be.

The Emergent Folk: Believe that eventually, a great prophet while arise, and bring truth and freedom and justice. So they sit around not doing anything, waiting for them to arrive. I guess heresy does grow from idleness. Anyway, shoot anyone who isn't busy doing anything.

The Burning Serpents: Burn snakes. Probably heretical, honestly haven't looked much into this one. It just sounds weird.

The Emperor's Lance's: So these are people who believe that the Emperor actually became more powerful by going on the Golden Throne, as think that he was not a god before then. Heretical, but you can't tell them from loyalists. Its really annoying, not knowing if a group of loyal soldiers could be secret heretics. Just start killing squads randomly, it's what I do.

Cult of Sicarius: Consider Cato Sicarius to a manifestation of the emperor's will. Not heretical, but really annoying. Shoot on sight.

The Church of the Rock: They worship a rock. Like, not a boulder or mountain or whatever. A pebble. I keep it on me now. Thing is, they're quite fanatical about it, and agreed to fight for me as long as I don't destroy the pebble. They took one million casualties last week destroying a Necron tomb complex and they didn't seem care. These guy's are great! Shame I'm down to my last hundred thousand though, so if you see any more of these guys make sure to grab hold of them. Best heretical cult, 10/10 would not declare exterminatus again.

The Final Truth - The believe that the universe is just a simulation. There are two factions - the Idealists, who go around saying things 'Like, the whole world could just be a dream! Like, think about it. Whoa.' and the Disruptionists, who just go around doing annoying things to disrupt the simulation, like detailed discussions about toe nail clippings. Fun fact - you can reconvert 100% by pointing out someone would have had to take the time and effort to program in every fart in the galaxy.

The Cornite Heresy - Deluded Khorne worshippers, who just sacrifice corn. All vegetarian. I'm pretty sure this is just draining power from the Chaos Gods, so not sure if we should actually do anything.

The Cannon Riders - These guys set up homes inside warmachines, as they believe the machine spirits are gods, and that they will protect them. These must be exterminated at all cost, as they tend clog up the guns after a while. On the plus side, since they live in gun barrels, it's not very hard.

The Swords of Justice - A minor sect who claim swords are the only weapon the holy may use, and guns are the agents of heretics. Like, OK, we get it. Swords are nice and phallic. But just because you need to compensate doesn't need we all need to. It's just embarrassing. Shoot on sight.

Cult of Dagasr - This cult follows the teachings of the False Prophet Dagasr, who claims that he can teach them through meditation and discipline abilities to allow them to walk on water and survive fire. So far the tests show this is negative.

Kult of Dakka - Just a bunch of Orks wearing human masks. No idea how this started. I keep interviewing 'heretics' who are like 'yeah, I'm a hummie, but I'm not worshapin da False Boss!' and I'm just like 'what?'. They'll get bored eventually and stop wasting my time, but for now, kill them all so they stop annoying me.

So there you have it, Inquisitor! Find any of these cults, you know how to deal with it!

 **Still less ridiculous than Space Marine fluff. ;-)**


	2. Manipulation of Psychic Xenos

**Review of Xenos Psychic Manipulation - By Interrogator Khan Tilus, Ordo Xenos**

It's a sad fact of life that not all planets in the galaxy are controlled by humans, and there are in fact many controlled by strange, unsettling aliens. But wise heads realise we need to put this resource to work! In this article we will be looking at how inquisitors have managed to use Xenos for useful purposes. While unintelligent Xenos have found use as food, beasts of burden, pets, fuel, Titan manufacturing and gun lubricant, sapient are of less obvious use. However, as many sapient creatures have presences in the warp, they offer a new untapped source of useful psychic energy!

Anti-psychic energy is currently used in anti-daemonic weaponry such as the vaunted psycannon. However, as it is currently provided by the holy waste of the Emperor, it is in quite limited supply. But hopefully that will change, thanks to experiments by Inquisitor Vart Ellevetish.

'We currently have trapped in here a swarm of Xeganites,' she told me, over the sound of buzzing. 'We basically play a specially made really bad cartoon about a psyker who finds love constantly. It's very heretical, but it makes them hate psykers. That negative energy goes into their dung, which we refine to anti-psychic dust.'

The experiment has had mixed results, unfortunately. 'Currently, the production of anti-psychic dust is very low. We believe that it would take three million Xeganites to supply one psycannon bullet a year. This is an issue, as we destroyed their home planet last Tuesday when the Virus bombs expiry date was coming up.'

'Worse, a small faction of the Xeganites have started liking the cartoon, calling it the best show ever. They even fought a minor civil war over the best scene. We may need to go deeper into heresy now. I'm thinking a psychic boy band.'

However, different efforts are being done by Inquisitor Sarl Tescha, on their secret hiding place in the Ghoul Stars. 'Quality is better than quantity.' He told me. 'You have to choose the starting Xenos carefully.'

'We use Aregustic Hargsuckers. They're a psychic race that are so in touch with emotion of fear, they have over three hundred different recognised synonyms for being frightened. We've been breeding them for additional free, so now when we surprise them with scary pictures daemons jumping out at random, they release a high anti-psychic extrement.'

However, this has brought out its own problems. 'Fears just not a great emotion to deal with enemies. We made some bullets with it, and in the field all three flipped around in mid air and flew away from the daemon target. It was pretty embarrassing - I had to execute the whole research group. We're now looking for Xenos which can feel fear and anger equally strongly, or breed Hargsuckers for it. But they just run away from our anger instructors, so no luck there.'

However, anti-psyker dust is far from the only potential use of psykers. With the growing threat of Tyranid invasion, some inquisitors are looking to use Xenos psykers as an early warning system.

'As the Shadow in the Warp makes psykers go mad, they are an excellent forewarning. What we are interested in is a longer range psyker, that will detect the Hive Mind while astropaths are still able to make requests for aid, allowing for more coordinated defenses.' Explains Inquisitor Xin Sharx, inside a bunker in a warzone on Lilandis VI.

'The ideal Xenos are Eldar. But capturing them is extremely difficult, and breeding them in captivity is even harder. Our last dozen captives were rescued when a wraithlord burst through my door. Time before that they got stolen away on jetbikes. The time before that, we got distracted by some clowns throwing pies at each other. Honestly, not as much trouble as it's worth.'

'So, instead we're looking at using Vermillion Horrors. They're basically giant lizards that produce a constant feeling of existential dread and terror, and release mind blasts in self defense that can destroy minds from a hundred metres.'

'We're currently here to capture them. Unfortunately, casualties are a little high - we've lost fifty million guardsmen this month. On the plus side, all the blood will make it a super productive agriworld once its pacified. So basically, really we're saving lives.'

'There are a couple of other, minor issues. Vermillion Horrors require constant supervision, as they have been known to mind control humans and take over ships. We can prevent this by constantly shooting current directly into their brains, but then we can't breed them, so the breed pairs need to be kept free. And last week they made an officer blow up an Emperor class battleship. So yeah, there are some teething issues. Should get them sorted in a year or two.'

Finally, Inquisitor Luscius Verl is looking into using Orks for his project. 'Yes, orks.' He said, as I raised an eyebrow and looked at him sarcastically.

'You see, Orks are easily the greatest psychic race in the galaxy, by numbers. So, they're Ork empires are huge beacons in the warp. With the navigators, we're looking to use them as landmarks in the warp - like sector equivalents of the Astronomicon.'

'However, Orks are crazy. So pinpointing their location gives our astropaths a huge headache. So we're trying to make our astropaths able to think like orks. They talk in stupid voices, fire stupidly loud guns, go fast. That sort of thing.'

'The good news it improves accuracy by 50%. The bad news is that they start asking heretical questions about dakka, and mushrooms, stuff like that. Really irritating. Sometimes I just think trying to use viscous psychic invaders as a compass is a bad idea. But that's just silly.'

Hopefully, we will soon see some of these valuable resources in use throughout the Imperium.

 **You can exploit anything if you think hard enough.**


End file.
